Murmur
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Keith breaks down learning Shiro is dating Matt
1. Chapter 1

The first time he saw it, he thought he would vomit out his heart. Everyone was so happy, it was a celebration, no one saw anything wrong with this situation.

He'd seen a lot of things that scared him in his life. But he'd never seen Shiro look at someone like that.

It was like waking up from surgery with a worse murmur than before and never recovering to where you used to be.

And maybe you were listening to the doctors at first, and you didn't understand anything they were saying but it terrified you, long words and urgent voices were never a good thing, but when Shiro told you it would be all right it was so easy to believe him.

And then amid all the bafflement and apologies and "it's not like any heart we've ever seen," they'd ask to study you a bit closer, and you could feel yourself getting sick at the thought, but you didn't have to say anything, because right there was Shiro saying "You've messed with him enough" and they kept pressing until he said "I'm not letting him flatline again" and that was that.

And maybe you owed him your life, but that was nothing, you would have given him so much more if you could.

Not like any of that had actually HAPPENED to him, of course. Not like he still woke up from nightmares checking that his heart was still in his chest. But it was exactly like that, except this time nothing Shiro could say would make it better.

Keith watched Shiro kiss the Holt boy and knew he was fundamentally unlovable. He swore he could feel the stitches coming out of his heart, twang, twang.

And there was everyone else, gathered around Shiro and Pidge's brother, "wow I can't believe you guys were together this whole time," wow indeed, why the fuck hadn't Shiro said anything, why was Keith that unimportant to him?

He'd have died to be kissed like that. He'd died every day for years.

But a lifetime of dying wasn't enough, he burned every time Shiro and the Holt boy walked past him, why did they have to be together all the time, couldn't Matt fuck off for just ten minutes? He'd never wanted to spit in someone's face so badly.

They all took to the Holt boy so quickly. Keith felt fucking sick. Maybe it was just that little bit hard to be civil with someone like that.


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't know what he'd said. He hadn't even realized he was speaking. But suddenly he was being shoved a full step back, suddenly he became aware of Pidge, angry in front of him. Whatever he'd said must have been both nasty and true.

"Keith, what the FUCK?" Pidge snarled. He'd never seen her look that way before. It might have been scary if he'd had any fucks left to give, but instead it just pissed him off.

"Ask HIM what the fuck," he nodded towards Matt, heart surging.

"No, I'm asking YOU," Pidge snapped. "You've been nothing but a DICK to my brother and you need to fucking STOP."

Keith looked squarely at Matt. He swore the kid flinched. "Well maybe he DESERVES it, did you ever think of THAT?"

For an instant, his vision was white. When he looked back, Pidge's hand was recoiling from his face.

The Holt boy was stammering out some useless chatter, something about "what did I do wrong" or some other bullshit, like he didn't know. Keith shouldered past the both of them and made for his room.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a soft knock on his door.

"Keith? It's me."

Shiro.

Keith swept a hand over his eyes and breathed a moment.

"Are you alone?"

"Yes."

He opened the door. He didn't have to look to know Shiro had on his "disappointed in you" face. But if nothing else, he was grateful that Shiro closed the door behind him.

"Keith," Shiro began. Keith didn't want to hear it, but he did. He needed to hear ANYTHING. And what he heard was, "I'm getting pretty worried about you. Is something going on?"

Yes, Keith thought. I want you to love me and I want to spit on your boyfriend and I want to actually be important to someone and I want to know why you don't love me and I want to know why you love HIM and I want to know where I went wrong and I want to know if anything will ever change and I want to spit on your boyfriend so fucking bad, I completely would if it wasn't for YOU.

"No."

He felt Shiro's hands on his shoulders and he knew it was one of those "look me in the eye" moments, but he just couldn't. He just couldn't. He couldn't cry in front of Shiro, not now, not this time.

"Keith… I'm pretty lost here. I thought you'd be happy. For all of us."

Shiro was a perfect human in every way, but fuck if he wasn't the most oblivious. Keith kept his eyes down.

"I think I might know what's going on," Shiro added gently. "Can you tell me if I'm right?"

Keith risked him a short glance. Maybe Shiro wasn't as oblivious as he seemed. But speaking was too dangerous, so he nodded instead.

"I'm wondering if you're upset about seeing a family back together. I'm sure that's hard to be around."

Nope.

"Yeah," Keith managed to choke out. "That's it."

Shiro gave him a sort of sad smile. Seemed that was the only kind he'd get anymore.

"I hope you know that no matter what, you're always family to me. And if you need anything, I want you to be able to talk to me, okay?"

Why was Shiro both the best and the worst person to be in love with? What the fuck did MATT do to deserve him?

"I know."

And fuck, why were there tears coming down his face? That wasn't supposed to happen.

"Don't worry, it's okay," Shiro said, bringing him close. "You're gonna be okay."

But Keith would never believe those words again.


End file.
